Fiction – Christmas Diary 5

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It’s the week of a 1 year anniversary of someone I lost and I haven’t really been thinking about him that much. We have talked today yet I feel like I am so far away from all this. I just have mixed emotions. Like anger mostly, can you imagine I got so angry when he didn’t call that I contemplated ignoring his call. Sure he hadn’t done anything but I was angry, at him. I need to find somewhere else to generate or push all this anger to. He’s been proving himself that he’s still in, keeping the space between us really small if not non existent. How do you know if a guy is really in, that you are all he is thinking about even for just a few minutes of his day? Most men will not tell you how they missed you, he did, twice. Should I take it that he really did miss me or he just said it because it’s the cute thing to say? A bigger part, if not all of my brain and heart tell me he meant it. Then I wonder why I am being swayed by the tiny bit of my brain that just loves to torture me. I should stop listening to that voice.. the more the days go by the more I feel we are going somewhere. He hasn’t forgotten that little tryst that he keeps reminding me how much he wanted more of, which I do too. I find myself thinking about that perfect day. He was there and then he wasn’t because of some errand he had to run. I should have asked him to stay, that I needed him to stay. He said he didn’t know if I wanted him to stay and he would have if I had asked. Oh, the regrets that I was left with. Anyway I am sure we’ll get to have a moment again… trouble is I don’t know when.

Do men fall for someone that fast? All I know is that for guys, it’s never a grey area when it comes to love. A man either loves you or he doesn’t. There is no in between. No what ifs. No maybes. No we could try. It’s either there or it isn’t. He can’t share his heart or emotions, if he has more than one woman, then he is either lying to one or both women. Us women we know when the man is not really into us, there is always that nagging feeling of “you’re just wasting time” yet we persist in holding on even harder. A woman’s problem is that we are always hoping. That thing called HOPE. “I’ll be the one to change him” “he’ll change for me” “my love will change him” the worst is “things will be better once we get married” HOPE. It’s not a bad thing to hope, but, even hope has a limit, the point where you accept it as it is. Otherwise that is just a way to giving yourself a heart attack or high blood pressure. No woman wants that, now does she? For me, I don’t really know if I have hope in Him, it’s too early to even be thinking about having hope. We just started this thing… thing, I don’t know what else to call it. He makes me have all sorts of emotions yet we haven’t even declared what we are to each other. He’s all the way over there⤴ while am all the way over here⤵speak of things being a puzzle…

Can I say I love him. Should I decide that we have talked enough to know what we want from each other. I always miss hearing his voice and when he calls I get a skipped heart beat, that feeling of intense tingles, warmth, pure bliss, everything nice, is that love? Or just unintentional lust? I know I am no saint and I don’t expect him to be, all we can be is imperfect humans trying to live life with no regrets. He has moments where he makea me laugh, a lot. Shouldn’t that be a measure of how good things are? Consumed by emotions of where to start with finding that peace in someone else’s heart. Sometimes to loose control is good, so you know if that person will take you home or walk away. All these rationalizations sometimes set you free because then you stop being so closed up, you know what to expect, you know what to fight for. Love comes with an expensive price tag that you just need to know how to afford it. Because it is worth it. Love. Totally worth it. A Treat that you can never have enough of. I think he’s my treat, now I just have to not get addicted to him too fast. Withdrawal symptoms are always the worst when you have gone too deep into the sweetness that most definately comes with a tinge od bitterness. But isn’t it worth it, the bitterness aftertaste, that never stays forever. I need to think…

*Christmas diary is a ten part fictional series for ten days regarding a woman’s thoughts on a relationship…* Read Part Four

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