Fiction – Christmas Diary 4

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I’ve had my Reservations about diving all in. I have deeply loved and yet been hurt deeply. So I always think that it is better to be cautious about loving completely. Advice I got from a friend was that a woman should “marry the man who loves you more than you love him” I kind of agree with that because for us women, love grows, we were made nurtures so the love will grow, eventually. Why is it that the person you love loves somebody else while the person who loves you you have no feelings for them whatsoever. Maybe it’s the curse of love that you can never have everything you want, balancing the equilibrium if you will, sort of. The heart wants what it wants, it has been sang, it has been said and even written but… should you always give your heart that which it desires even if it is wrong and does not make sense. The heart is such a weird organ, it pumps blood throughout your body and yet dictates what you should have in your life. Well, maybe it has the right since without it you cannot be alive to experience all those emotions and feelings that crowd your chest. I know I am digressing but just trying to get to the heart of things. Why is love so complicated? Why can’t love just be straight foward? So many “Whys” that never get answered. I tend to think that love has no answers only more questions that sometimes get answered in the long run, if you are lucky that is. Or maybe we should never be asking questions of love and let it be as it may. Am I really making sense or am I just escaping the real issue here? Him…

So why we are here. I feel as though he really is into this –this I don’t know what it really is. I’ve realized I need to give myself credit that I can be loved, that I can be wanted, that someone can just love me just because… Honestly I tend to have destructive thoughts that grip my mind so hard it feels like it is reality. My stubborn mind just goes to very dark places and I just imagine the worst. Thoughts like “maybe he really isn’t into me” “maybe he just wanted the sex” “maybe I’m just a game to him” “maybe he’s already moved on” “maybe I’m the rebound”… then I start to panic and tell myself that I should move on quickly or break up with him so that he does not get that chance to hurt me. I know. I know. Self destructive thoughts. I need help here. I guess it stems from my own insecurities about my self image. How I imagine people see me. Which is so far off from what they really see. Sometimes I wonder, do they really know how uncool I am to like me that much? I even sometimes question, why does he like me, what did he see that is so special… I am working on it and the first thing I keep telling myself is I am good enough to be loved. I am worth it. I have good and bad days. Bad days are usually filled with self doubt and questioning my existence but the good days which I decided would be more, are filled with self love and encouragement. So. Back to him. We went swimming and I had the most fun I have had in a long time. I didn’t fret about what our conversations would be.. P.S we had never spent any given time together alone… So I went with the flow, as we say nowadays. And the flow was good, really good. This guy is really into me. I knew that before we went swimming, I always knew but I always played it cool, just like I did at the pool and still try to even now. I always thought gentlemen were an extinct breed but boy was I wrong! He’s the open-the-door-for-you-walk-on-the-vehicle-side-of-the-street-give-you-his-hand-to-hold-kind-of dude gentleman… I kid not!

Ever had something soooo good you start being suspicious about it. Like you’re holding a bird in your hand that if you just release a finger, off it goes into the distance never to be seen again. That’s how he makes me feel. Like this thing is unreal and at any point I will wake up and it will be gone. I don’t want it gone. I want to stay. I want him to stay. I don’t know whether I should tell him, oh wait I did, that’s a story for the next chapter…

*Christmas diary is a ten part fictional series for ten days regarding a woman’s thoughts on a relationship…* Read Part Three

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Mulunga

I'm a writer, poet and cook. I enjoy long walks, trying new restaurants and reading.

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