Fiction – Christmas Diary 3


I always wondered, do we really love? When you say you love someone, what does it really mean? Love is supposed to be patient, kind, long suffering, giving, sacrificial, unconditional etcetera… when I think about the times that I was supposedly in love, I find I lacked in most if not all the qualities that live is supposed to have. Have I been kind in my relationships? Did I endure when times get hard? Was my love unconditional? All these things keep bugging me and I still ask, are we ever really in love, do we ever love? It’s funny when you start having those first stirrings of weakness about someone and you think they literally walk on water. That person is perfect. Halo-ed almost. All you think about is them and their perfect lips,  stunning Abs or ass, beautifully curved eyes, strong arms and soft skin for days. Lets be real guys, the first feelings are always physical and filled with pure lust if not complete obsession! Your object of affection can do no wrong, can say no wrong, can wish no wrong, they are just purity perfection. I love this initial stages of lust love, you feel like you are existing in an alternate universe where dreams are chocolate and candy, somehow your very own cross between chocolate factory and candyland. Colors never seem brighter, the weather never seemed sunnier and the days never seemed shorter. When you are in this drunken in love stupor, all is well with the world, everything is perfectly alligned, and starts literally spell out his name.

Can we really say we have loved? He has a way of making sense in my world. Am I jumping the gun on this? I literally did, I mean I just sneaked underneath him when I least expected. I still cannot believe it made sense and just felt right. From light touches of the lips to him pumping like we were separated lovers. I imagine it was somehow meant to be. I thought about it, I just didn’t think it would actually happen, so fast. A woman is made cautious and always questioning, but somehow my sense of reasoning went out the door soon as we were nose-to-nose close. I lost all sense of logic and even self control. I lied told myself it would not happen, I have to trust him first, he has to prove he lov.. at least likes me, I have to give it three months, then we’ll see… hahaha! Let me just laugh at myself, all that went out the window and I’m here like, what the hell happened? Maybe I have been lonely for too long or I just needed a good bone to bone action or maybe its both. See how lust makes you a dooey eyed teenager with a crush…enough said. He’s almost everything I though an ideal guy would be, so am I in love? Have I really fallen in love. Maybe so but I still get moments of anxiety and mini panic attacks especially when I don’t hear from him. How did I fuckin’ get to this? Maybe I sabotage my own happiness thinking how he’s with other people… I seriously need to stop giving him control of my thoughts. It’s still new, he’s still learning me am learning him… where did I get all this anxiety over someone I hardly know that my mind claims to have strange feelings of love or lust or both? Maybe I should stop seeing a future with him, too late! I’ve already planned our wedding in my freakin‘ head. See how women get all entangled in things that end up disappointing you? You are all like ‘i do‘ and he be looking at you like ‘i never said i did‘, then you’ll be like whaaaaaaat… us females need to chill. We have relationships in our heads while the guy is still trying to remember your first name!

Finally Am I in love? Do I love? Him? Questions…questions….questions…

*Christmas diary is a ten part fictional series for ten days regarding a woman’s thoughts on a relationship…* Read Part Two


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I'm a writer, poet and cook. I enjoy long walks, trying new restaurants and reading.

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